What to say when someone gives you a backhanded compliment
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
If you’ve ever received a backhanded compliment you know how they can sting. Explore how to spot insults disguised as praise, and 7 tips to respond tactfully.
We’ve all been there — you’re having a casual conversation with someone, and they give you what seems like a compliment, but somehow, it stings. Maybe they said, "You’re so quick for someone your age!" or "I wish I had the confidence to wear something like that."
These types of remarks, called backhanded compliments, can make you feel small, self-conscious, and can even cause you to question your abilities, especially when they come from someone whose opinion matters to you.
It’s tough to know how to respond in these moments, especially if you're feeling wounded. Luckily, there are things to say in the moment that can keep your self-esteem intact and avoid unnecessary conflict.
What is a backhanded compliment?
A backhanded compliment is a comment that sounds like praise at first, but is actually an insult. You might leave the conversation feeling a bit confused or even hurt.
These kinds of comments can pop up in all sorts of situations — at work, among friends, or even during family gatherings. For example, someone might say, "You’re so smart for someone who didn’t go to college," or "Wow, you’re so pretty when you actually put in the effort." On the surface, they seem like compliments, but they carry an underlying criticism that can make you second-guess yourself.
Backhanded compliments can be accidental or intentional. Sometimes the person doesn’t realize they’re doing it, and other times, it can be a subtle way to express jealousy, frustration, or insecurity. Whatever the reason, it’s tough to know how to respond. Do you smile and say "thank you" to be polite, or do you call out the insult? The short answer is, it depends.
How to recognize a backhanded compliment
Backhanded compliments can be tough to identify on the spot — typically, people realize that it was offensive after the fact. But here’s are some characteristics to help you recognize them:
1. It sounds like praise at first, but there’s a twist: A backhanded compliment appears to be a compliment but it’s immediately followed by a critical remark. Saying, "You’re really good at public speaking for someone who doesn’t usually seem so confident," is really a subtle insult. If it happens at the office, it can also be a sign of workplace bullying.
2. It’s a compliment that puts you in a box: Backhanded compliments can highlight your good qualities while also making them seem limiting or surprising. Comments like "You're really smart for someone who went to community college" or "You're so stylish for a mom!" diminish your achievements by framing them as unexpected rather than impressive.
3. It leaves you feeling insecure: Backhanded compliments can often be identified by how they make you feel. If they leave you self-conscious or uncertain, they may carry an underlying insult. For example, "You look so much better with makeup on!" suggests that you don't look good without it.
4. It involves comparisons that don’t feel flattering: Backhanded compliments often come disguised as competitive comparisons. Saying "Your design was really great — almost as good as our last project" suggests that actually, your work wasn’t as good as someone else’s.
5. The tone or delivery feels insincere: Backhanded compliments can be delivered with sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, or an overly sweet delivery that hints the compliment isn't sincere. For instance, a coworker might say, "Wow, you’re so brave to present that idea!" while their tone suggests they don’t really like your work.
6. It’s framed as "advice" but feels judgmental: Backhanded compliments often disguise criticism as helpful suggestions. Examples include comments like, "You look incredible — imagine how you’d feel if you lost 10 pounds." These phrases reveal the speaker's judgment rather than genuine support.
How to tell if you’re misinterpreting compliments
Sometimes, we may perceive compliments as backhanded when they weren’t intended that way at all. If you often feel hurt or upset by compliments that others don’t seem to find offensive, it’s worth considering whether your own self-esteem might be playing a role. Low self-esteem can make us more sensitive to perceived criticism, even when it’s well-intentioned.
One way to figure out what’s going on is to take a step back and ask yourself how you feel about the person giving the compliment. Are they usually supportive — or undermining? If they typically encourage and uplift you, it’s possible that your own insecurities are making you focus on the negative. So, if someone says, “You did a great job for your first time,” and you feel hurt, think about whether you’re interpreting it harshly because you’re already doubting yourself.
You can also try checking in with someone you trust. Ask them how they’d interpret the comment and if you might be reading into it due to your own feelings. This outside perspective can help you gain clarity.
It’s important to be kind to yourself and remember that building your self-esteem takes time. If you realize that low self-esteem is influencing how you perceive compliments, consider trying to build your self-confidence through self-care, positive affirmations, or even talking to a therapist (here are 13 more tips to help). Understanding the root of your feelings can help you understand the difference between real backhanded compliments and those that feel off because of your own insecurities.
7 tips for responding to a backhanded compliment
Responding to a backhanded compliment doesn’t have to be stressful. Whether you keep your response short and neutral, call out the comment politely, or use humor to deflect it, the most important thing is to look out for your own wellbeing.
1. Keep it short and neutral
Sometimes the best way to respond is by keeping things simple. When you don’t want to engage with the backhanded comment or escalate the situation, a short response like "Thank you" works well. By staying polite but not overly enthusiastic, you acknowledge the compliment and send a subtle message that you’re not taking the bait.
How it might happen in real life: If someone says, “You actually look really nice today!" you can just smile and reply with, "Thanks." You’re letting them know you heard what they said, but you’re not going to overthink it.
💙 Keeping calm when someone isn’t being kind can be difficult. Tamara Levitt explores how to create healthier and happier relationships—no matter what—in her Relationship with Others series.
2. Call it out politely
If the backhanded compliment feels particularly stinging, it’s okay to address it directly — but calmly. This approach works when you want to bring attention to the comment without turning the conversation into a confrontation. You can ask for clarification or express how the comment made you feel.
And, if the behavior continues, you might consider having a more direct conversation to explain how you’d prefer to be spoken to in the future.
How it might happen in real life: Someone might say, "You did a great job on that project — for someone new here," you might respond with, "I’m not sure how to take that. Are you complimenting me or just pointing out that I’m new?" This can make the other person realize the impact of their words and encourage them to be more mindful in the future.
3. Redirect the conversation
Another effective way to handle a backhanded compliment is to shift the focus to something positive. By redirecting the conversation, you can steer it away from the negative part of the comment and keep things upbeat. This can help you stay in control of the interaction and avoid feeling upset.
How it might happen in real life: A coworker might say, “You were really confident during that presentation, especially since you’re not usually a strong speaker," you could respond with, "Thanks! I was really prepared and I’m happy with how it went. How did you feel about the data we shared?" This shifts the conversation to your work — and not their rude remark.
4. Stay confident and assertive
Confidence is key when dealing with backhanded compliments. It’s important not to let the hidden insult undermine your self-worth. You can respond assertively, making it clear that you’re proud of yourself and that their comment won’t bring you down. This is a way to stand your ground without being confrontational.
How it might happen in real life: Someone might say, "You’re really ambitious for someone who’s so young," you could respond by saying, "I work hard and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved." This shows that you value yourself and your efforts, and you won’t let anyone diminish them with backhanded praise.
💙 Try your best not to let backhanded compliments get you down. If you need added support and encouragement, try listening to our series on Confidence.
5. Use humor to diffuse the tension
Sometimes, a little humor can go a long way in diffusing the awkwardness of a backhanded compliment. By responding with a lighthearted joke, you can let the other person know you caught the insult, but you’re choosing not to let it bother you. Humor can also take the tension out of the situation, making it easier for both parties to move on.
How it might happen in real life: A colleague could remark, "Wow, you actually did a great job on this report!" you could laugh and reply with, "I guess I’m full of surprises!" This kind of response shows that you’re not taking their comment too seriously.
6. Flip the compliment back
Another way to respond is to turn the compliment back to the person in a positive way. This approach works when you want to keep the conversation friendly but still acknowledge the backhanded nature of the compliment. It also shifts the focus away from you and onto the other person.
How it might happen in real life: If someone says, "You’re really good at this for someone who’s never done it before," you could respond with, "Thanks! I’ve learned a lot from watching you.” This not only acknowledges their compliment but makes the conversation more productive.
7. Choose to ignore the insult
In some cases, the best response might be no response at all. If the backhanded compliment is mild or you don’t feel like it’s worth addressing, you can choose to simply ignore the negative part of the comment. This is especially helpful in situations where you don’t want to create tension, such as with a coworker or casual acquaintance.
How it might happen in real life: If someone says, "I’m surprised that you look as put together as you do!" you can just smile, and move on without giving attention to the backhanded part.
How to avoid giving backhanded compliments to others
We’ve all been in situations where we mean to give someone a compliment, but somehow the words come out wrong. Backhanded compliments can slip out without us even noticing, leaving the other person feeling hurt or confused.
By being mindful, you can avoid giving backhanded compliments and make sure you always say what you mean.
1. Be genuine with your praise: When you give someone a compliment, focus on being sincere. Think about what you admire or appreciate, and express that without adding any qualifiers or hidden critiques. Simple, straightforward compliments always feel better to the person receiving them.
2. Think before you speak: Sometimes, backhanded compliments happen because we speak without fully thinking through what we want to say. Before offering a compliment, take a second to consider how it might be received. Ask yourself if there’s anything in your comment that could be taken the wrong way or if there’s any negative spin attached. If there is, rephrase it. Explore 12 more tips to help you think before you speak.
3. Avoid mixing compliments with criticism: One of the easiest ways to accidentally give a backhanded compliment is by mixing in criticism with your praise. Keep your compliments focused on the positive by skipping any mention of what someone could do better or what they might lack.
4. Consider your tone and delivery: Sometimes, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it. Even a well-meaning compliment can come across as backhanded if your tone seems sarcastic, dismissive, or passive-aggressive. Sincere praise should sound genuine and kind, not mocking or patronizing.
5. Stay away from unnecessary comparisons: While it might seem natural to compare people or situations, doing so in a compliment can often lead to backhanded praise. Comparing someone to others can make them feel like they’re not good enough on their own, even if that wasn’t your intention.
6. Use positive language: It’s easy to slip into patterns of speech that include words like "actually" or "for someone," but these phrases can turn a simple compliment into something that feels backhanded. Be mindful of words that add doubt or diminish the compliment you’re trying to give.
Backhanded compliment FAQs
What are some examples of common backhanded compliments?
Backhanded compliments blend praise with subtle insults, often leaving the recipient feeling undervalued or hurting their feelings — either intentionally or unintentionally.
“You look great for your age,” implies that looking good is unexpected in later life.
“I didn’t expect you to do such a good job!” suggests a lack of initial belief in someone's abilities.
“You’re so brave to wear that!” suggests they’ve made an inappropriate choice.
“You’re so lucky your partner doesn’t care about looks,” implies someone’s appearance is subpar.
Can backhanded compliments harm personal or professional relationships?
Backhanded compliments can harm both personal and professional relationships. In personal relationships, they can lead to friction or even estrangement if one person is always feeling hurt by the other. In the workplace, backhanded compliments can create a toxic environment by making people feel undervalued and damaging morale. Recognizing the impacts of backhanded compliments is an important step in motivating someone to change their behavior and find better ways of interacting.
People might give backhanded compliments for a number of reasons — and often, they won’t even realize it.
Poor phrasing: Someone who lacks communication skills might mix praise with criticism unintentionally.
Insecurity: Jealousy or low self-esteem can lead to backhanded compliments.
Frustration: Hidden insults may be a way for someone to express passive-aggressive feelings of frustration.
Understanding the underlying motivations behind a backhanded compliment can help you decide whether to dismiss the comment or address it more directly.
How can I politely confront someone who frequently gives backhanded compliments?
If someone often gives you backhanded compliments, it's important to address it calmly to avoid conflict. Open communication can prevent misunderstandings and protect your self-esteem.
Ask for clarification. This encourages them to recognize their mixed messages.
Share how their comments make you feel to help them understand your perspective.
If the behavior continues, consider having a more direct conversation to better understand why they’re talking to you that way. You might also be able to explain how you’d prefer to be spoken to in the future. Here are six tips to help you set boundaries in relationships.
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