What is co-regulation in relationships?
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what co-regulation is (in childhood and adulthood), and how it differs from self-regulation. Plus, 9 co-regulation techniques to improve your relationships.
How we interact with others to manage our emotions is known as co-regulation, and it’s key to building and maintaining healthy relationships. Coregulation is the term for two people coming together to help each other navigate their feelings and behaviors, creating a supportive emotional environment. Each person contributes to the emotional wellbeing of the other, offering support, understanding, and encouragement.
In relationships, co-regulation means being there for each other to share joy, provide comfort during tough times, or work through everyday challenges.
What is co-regulation?
The definition of co-regulation is the way two or more people interact to help each other handle their emotions better. By providing support and understanding to one another, each person is able to regulate their own emotions more effectively.
Co-regulation also involves recognizing and responding to each other's emotional cues. For instance, if one person is feeling down, the other might offer a listening ear, a comforting word, or a warm hug. This interaction can make the person feel better in the moment and build a foundation of trust and safety that’s essential for healthy relationships.
Whether with a partner, friend, or family member, engaging in co-regulation can enhance our emotional wellbeing and deepen the bonds we share with others.
Co-regulation in childhood
Co-regulation starts in the earliest years of our lives. When a baby cries and a caregiver responds in a comforting way, this interaction can help calm the child, but also helps teach emotional management. Through these early experiences, children can learn to understand and regulate their emotions for the future.
During these formative years, caregivers can reflect back the child's emotions in a way that’s understandable and manageable. For example, when a caregiver uses a calm voice to soothe a frustrated child, the child learns to associate calming techniques with reducing frustration.
Co-regulation in childhood is also about sharing joy, excitement, and happiness. When a caregiver laughs with a child, responds enthusiastically to their achievements, or shares in their wonder, they're reinforcing positive emotional experiences. This kind of co-regulation can contribute to a child's sense of security and belonging.
As children grow and interact with a broader range of people, including siblings, teachers, and peers, they continue to develop their co-regulation skills. These interactions can teach children how to adapt their emotional responses to different situations and relationships, laying the groundwork for healthy emotional regulation in adulthood.
Co-regulation in adults and their relationships
Understanding and practicing co-regulation in various relationships can lead to deeper connections, improved emotional support, and enhanced resilience, making it an essential part of healthy adult interactions.
Romantic partnerships
Co-regulation in romantic relationships involves partners supporting each other emotionally through stress, joy, and everyday challenges to encourage a deeper understanding and connection. When partners co-regulate, they feel heard and valued, which can support a lasting relationship.
Friendships
Friends can practice co-regulation by sharing experiences, offering empathy, and supporting each other through life's ups and downs. This sense of belonging can help us manage emotions and stress, reinforcing the friendship's foundation.
Professional relationships
In the workplace, co-regulation occurs when colleagues support each other emotionally. This may involve acknowledging feelings, collaborating on projects, or celebrating successes together. These supportive interactions can contribute to a positive, productive work environment, helping to reduce work-related stress, enhance team collaboration, and improve empathy.
Effective communication in co-regulation
Communication involves active listening, expressing emotions clearly, and responding with empathy and understanding. Effective communication helps ensure that emotional support is meaningful and impactful, so we can feel understood and connected in our relationships.
Co-regulation and emotional wellbeing
Co-regulation in adult relationships can contribute significantly to emotional wellbeing, providing a sense of security, support, and shared understanding. This shared emotional support system can help us manage life's challenges more effectively, improving our emotional health and the quality of our relationships.
Co-regulation vs self-regulation: Understanding the differences
Co-regulation
Co-regulation involves managing emotions and behaviors together with another person. It's a shared process where emotional support is mutual, helping both people navigate their feelings in a relationship.
Mutual support: Giving and receiving emotional support collaboratively
Interpersonal connection: Strengthening bonds for deeper understanding and empathy within relationships
Self-regulation
Self-regulation refers to managing our own emotions and behaviors independently, without relying on others for emotional support or guidance.
Personal mastery: Using personal strategies and techniques to control emotional responses and actions
Autonomy: Emphasizing individual resilience to handle emotional challenges independently
How self-regulation and co-regulation differ
Self-regulation relies on our own internal resources, while co-regulation involves support from others.
Both self-regulation and co-regulation are important for emotional health, offering different but complementary forms of emotional management. Knowing when and how to employ self-regulation or engage in co-regulation can enhance our personal growth, so we can adapt to our needs in different situations.
9 effective co-regulation techniques and strategies
Enhancing co-regulation in your relationships can lead to deeper connections and improved emotional wellbeing. By bringing co-regulation techniques into your relationships, you can create more supportive, empathetic, and emotionally resilient bonds.
1. Begin with empathy
Understanding and sharing the feelings of another person is crucial to co-regulation. Empathize to offer more targeted and effective support, which builds emotional resilience in your relationships.
💙 Learn more about practicing Empathy with this session from our Relationship with Others series.
2. Use active listening
Show your partner or friend you're genuinely interested in their feelings. Maintain eye contact, nod, and respond in ways that affirm you're engaged. This can validate their feelings and help them feel supported and understood.
💙 Learn to practice Kind Communication to help you be a great listener for the people in your life.
3. Try shared breathing exercises
Synchronized breathing exercises can be a powerful tool for co-regulation, to help both people feel more connected and calm. Sit together, breathe in sync, and focus on the shared experience to help align your emotional states and encourage a sense of unity.
💙 Try Breathe into Relaxation the next time you’re feeling stressed and need to get centered.
4. Problem-solve together
Face challenges together by collaborating on finding solutions. This can help resolve issues and reinforce a team mentality.
5. Validate emotions
Let the other person know that their emotions are understood and valid to create a safe space for both individuals to express themselves freely.
💙 Listen to theLabeling Emotions practice with Jay Shetty to gain insight on how to feel and understand emotions, as well as how to validate them in others.
6. Share positive experiences
Make time for activities that both of you enjoy. Sharing positive experiences can boost emotional connection and enhance co-regulation, whether it's a hobby, a walk in the park, or watching a favorite movie.
7. Schedule regular check-ins
Establish a routine of checking in with each other's emotional states. Simple questions like "How are you feeling today?" can open opportunities for emotional sharing and co-regulation.
8. Express appreciation
Regularly express gratitude and appreciation for each other. Recognizing and voicing the positive aspects of your relationship can reinforce emotional bonds and encourage a supportive environment for co-regulation.
💙 Learn more about expressing gratitude to cultivate a positive mindset with our Gratitude Toolkit.
9. Add physical touch
When appropriate, physical touch can be a powerful co-regulatory tool. A hug, a pat on the back, or holding hands can convey support without words, offering comfort, and promoting emotional synchronization.
Co-regulation FAQs
How can I tell if my relationship has healthy co-regulation dynamics?
You can identify healthy co-regulation dynamics in your relationship by observing how you and your partner manage emotions together. Look for signs of mutual emotional support, effective and empathetic communication, and a willingness to understand and respond to each other's emotional needs. In a relationship with healthy co-regulation, both partners feel heard, valued, and supported. During stressful times, there's a shared effort to address and alleviate emotional distress, and in moments of joy, there's shared happiness and connection.
Can co-regulation help with anxiety or depression within a relationship?
Co-regulation can be a valuable tool in managing anxiety or depression within a relationship. When partners actively support each other emotionally, it can create a sense of safety, understanding, and connection, which are important when dealing with anxiety or depression.
Co-regulation can provide a way to share feelings openly to help reduce feelings of isolation. Building this supportive environment can help mitigate the impacts of anxiety and depression. However, remember that professional guidance from a therapist or healthcare provider is important when dealing with persistent anxiety or depression.
What are the signs of poor co-regulation in a relationship?
Signs of poor co-regulation include a lack of emotional support, difficulty in communicating about feelings, and an absence of mutual understanding or empathy. If one or both partners consistently feel misunderstood, isolated, or emotionally disconnected, it might indicate poor co-regulation. Other signs include frequent conflicts without resolution, an inability to comfort each other effectively, and a general sense of emotional instability in the relationship.
How can I improve co-regulation with my partner?
Improving co-regulation with your partner involves enhancing communication, practicing empathy, and actively engaging in mutual emotional support.
Listen attentively to each other's feelings without judgment, and acknowledge each other's emotional experiences.
Practice expressing your own emotions clearly and constructively.
Engage in activities that build emotional connection, such as shared hobbies or relaxation techniques.
Consider guidance from relationship counselors or workshops that focus on building emotional intelligence and communication skills.
What resources can help couples develop better co-regulation skills?
Many resources can help couples develop better co-regulation skills, including books on emotional intelligence and communication, relationship counseling, and workshops or seminars focused on relationship skills. Online resources, such as articles, blogs, and courses, can offer guidance and tips, too. Engaging with community support groups or forums where couples share experiences and strategies can also bring insights and support for developing co-regulation skills.
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